"Looks like Fody-cent is going to go get rid of a little seminal fluid himself"

So, long time no write. Yeah, I know, it's been a while. Not sure if you knew this or not, but Med School can get just a little busy at times. Alright let me see...where did I leave off...Sept 16??! September fucking 16th? Why the hell are you still checking this page? I guess Pavlov was right, behavior does persist longer if reinforced only occasionally. Well, I thank you for your persistence and I hope the entries will be more regular from now on.

So what's been going on in the life of a (now) 37-year-old 1st year med student? OK, in my favorite format:

1. The histology course came and went, and good riddance. That class made the line at the DMV on the last day of the month seem exciting. Staring endlessly at pink and blue and yellow dots, waiting for them to assemble miraculously into a fully realized and understandable structure is best left to the acid freaks in the Haight.

2. We have a course called MCFM. It's this monolith of a molecular and cellular biology course that is designed more to maim than actually kill. I think there are 8 units in total to this thing, of which we have completed 4. Genetics, Immunology, Cancer Biology and Energy Homeostasis - that's glycolysis and Krebs to you sci-nerds. That's right, for the 4th time this life I got to memorize glycolysis and that fun-loving bastard, the Krebs cycle. We're now starting a unit studying carbohydrate metabolism. Seriously, that's even more boring than it sounds. But we do cover lactose intolerance; any lecture that explores the intricacies of explosive watery diarrhea is aces in my book.

3. Introduction to Clinical Medicine (ICM) or, loosely translated, how to tell when your patients are lying to you. Apparently, the clue to knowing if your patient is lying to you is if their lips are moving. This is a class where we learn to interview patients by talking to actors and other assorted people they pay to be interviewed by us. Also, once or twice a week they let me loose in the hospital to wander around completely confused as the real doctors do their business. Due to my age, on more than one occasion I have been mistaken for an attending physician. About the third time it happened, I just went with it, wrote myself a prescription for Oxycontin and took a long nap in the bedding storage room. Good times.

4. Clinical and Developmental Anatomy (CDA) started the day after Halloween. I went this year as the dearly departed Hunter S. Thompson. This choice of costume, coupled with the average birth date of my peers here, resulted in my sounding like this the entire night:


"Hunter S. Thompson...the writer..you know, 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas', 'The Rum Diary' and 'The Great Shark Hunt'?...no, no, no, not a shark hunter, Hunter S. Thompson...the Rolling Stone writer?...Gonzo journalism?...nothing?...what?...yes yes, Johnny Depp in that one movie with Benicio DelToro...you fucking imbecile"

Anyway, our first day working in the cadaver lab was the day after Halloween. Many of my less wise classmates visited the restroom several times in that 3 hour period. My lab group and I (Me, Minerva and DoubleStuff) were assigned a "donor", as they are called, who was an 84-year-old woman. She is 4'10" and everything on her is in miniature. I often realize that, were I in any other vocational pursuit, they would lock me up in a rubber room and slip raw meat under the door for the next 50 years for doing what I now do for 3 hours a day 4 days a week. And I love it. I love anatomy lab so much it is frightening. It's my favorite class of all time.

My instructor for the lab is Dr. Cutty. Well, that's not his real name, but it sounds very close to that. Anyway, he's this late middle aged HIGH-larious, half perverted guy. We were in the review portion of the class before our first lab exam and he was doing a demonstration of the male reproductive organs. He dissected one of the organs and some fluid started seeping out of it and he casually mentioned that it was probably seminal fluid that is naturally found in that organ. One of the guys in the lab, Fody-cent saw it and said in a nausea-laden voice that he needed to go to the men's room. Without a pause or even looking up from the table, Dr. Cutty said "Looks like Fody-cent is going to go get rid of a little seminal fluid himself". Ah yes, crass medical gallows humor at it's best.

So that's about it. I also get down to "The City" occasionally. Every so often I go to the NYC Public Library to study. You may remember it as the building in Ghostbusters where the lion statues come to life.
I also hang out with med school buddies there. Here is me keeping it real with my west-side pride on the right coast. That's Fody-cent with the Budwiser. Great taste in beer that kid. Well, until next time, Mahalo.

Oops, I almost forgot to mention the cute little caffiene monkey I loaded onto my back along the way. I had been clean for about 8 months prior to starting school. No BS, I kicked a 6-pack a day Diet Coke habit last winter and since August, have relapsed to the Diet Coke addiction, and added occasional coffee for good measure. This morning I drank 24 ounces of Mt Dew in about 38 seconds. Now I'm strung so tight when I scratch my pubes they sound like guitar strings plucked at the top by the tuning knobs.