"Just don't get one so long that when you hang it around your neck, it whacks you in the nuts!"

I had to get a Hepatitis B booster shot today because my previous immunity wore off. I am told that losing Hep B immunity several years after vaccination is totally normal. My bet is that someone, somewhere is making serious bank off selling those Hep B vaccines. In fact, complete vaccination takes three injections. You think that's an accident?

A young good-looking nurse gave me the actual inoculation. I was sitting on the wax paper-lined vinyl bed when she came in. I was wearing these old ratty Birkenstock sandals (hey, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, and when in N. California, eat granola and stink of patchouli) that have adopted the contour of my feet so much so, that they form a seal as I apply downward pressure when I walk. This pressure, once great enough, causes any trapped air between foot and sandal to be forcibly expelled. The resulting noise of said expulsion very much resembles another bodily function. So she had me stand up off the bed to get the shot, and as my feet hit the floor, the little sound of air being pushed out of the foot-sandal interface resulted. At this point I realized that when I slid off the exam bed, the nurse had her back to me. I think you see where this is going... She kind of startled a little, turned around and looked downward, kind of at my crotch, and then caught herself and looked back up at me with a wry little smile. So then I'm thinking to myself, does she think I just dropped ass? Cuz I sooo di-int! Man, I wanted to shout "Sweatheart, I did not just fart!! Really!! That was my shoe!!" But instead I uncomfortably cleared my throat and avoided her gaze. After the shot, she wrote in my file for a really long time and then silently left.

Next, the doc had to come in with an explain of last week's test results. Apparently I am as fit as an Armani tuxedo. We chit-chatted about medical school a little bit and he asked if I had any questions. For med school, I have to purchase a stethoscope when classes start, so I asked him what kind he prefers. He went on a little about the different kinds available and what you really need as a student. Then he blurted out, "Just don't get one so long that when you hang it around your neck, it whacks you in the nuts!" and busted out laughing. This is the same man that, one short week ago, had his begloved hand cranked so far up into my nutsack that he didn't have to request a cough, a cough involuntarily erupted from me and my invaded loins. Yeah, sure doc, now you're concerned about my scrotal well-being. Last week I'm a speed-bag, now you're the Albert Schweitzer of gonad-land.